Saturday, March 10, 2007

What the UCI didn't tell

The UCI presented their "100%" anti-doping program today, which according to UCI's Anne Gripper "represents a quantum leap forward for the cycling world in its efforts to fight doping". Wow! TBV has posted some details of the program, but that's just half of the story. An internal paper, leaked from UCI via WADA to LNDD and let's not forget L'Equipe, has a lot more astonishing "100%" details:

  1. Every rider needs to guarantee 100% availability throughout the year for the out-of-competition tests, whether it is January, Christmas, April 15, or even the day of the Apocalypse.

  2. Every pre-race meal will be consumed to a 100% by the hungry anti-doping squad. Along the same lines, the anti-doping squad will get a seat in every team car, and tasting the content of 100% of all water bottles and energy gels before they're handed out to the riders.

  3. Every rider has to consent to donate their DNA to LNDD, their soul to UCI, their first-born to WADA, and 100% of their income to the development of new anti-doping methods and to the support of this absurd programme.

  4. 100% of riders caught doping will have to write "I will never dope again" 100 times on a blackboard and will get an episode of Cheaters dedicated to him.

  5. 100% of riders have to become a member of Jehova's Witnesses since their faith doesn't allow transfusions.

  6. 100% of riders have to consent to never ever create a Floyd Landis like Wiki defense in case they're charged with a doping offense. In addition, for 100% of accused dopers there's a default wait time of 1 year before *ADA proceedings begin.

    If you think this all is radical, get this:

  7. But regardless of #5, before every race, 100% of a rider's blood will be drained and replaced with a revolutionary dope-free substitute, which was cooked up^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hdeveloped in the holy labs of LNDD.
UCI's Pat McQuaid was quoted saying that "this is just the beginning". We suspect he's right.

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